Sunday, September 30, 2012

Overpowered Vampire

Hot damn, I am such a frigging overpowered vampire. I can see in the dark:

My top speed on the ground exceeds that of the fastest running animals on Earth (take that, cheetahs):

I have super-human strength:

I can fly:

I can breathe underwater:

I can do that weird spidery wall-crawling thing most vampires in fiction don’t do anymore:

I have super-vision:

I can quickly recognize blood types and distinguish one animal’s blood from another:


I have extraordinary healing abilities:

I can survive nuclear explosions:

I can communicate across long distances, especially with people I have fed upon:

(I have their phone numbers)

I can silently communicate with people I have formed strong bonds with:

(I have their e-mail addresses)

I can extract information from almost anyone, anywhere in the world:
          The Internet

(I couldn’t find a picture of the Internet)

The list goes on and on.

My people do genuinely have what could be considered bona fide biological superpowers. It's all relative. I have the ears of a dog, the echolocation of a bat (and I do decidedly non-batty things with it), the voice mimicry of a parrot, and the immune system of – the transhumans of the future, I hope. 

But most importantly, I have the brain of a human, which can make all other superpowers possible. And I have the indefinite lifespan of a hydra/planarian flatworm, so I’ll live to see them all.

And I hope to keep adding to this list. When and if we ever mastered mind uploading, and if changing bodies ever became as easy as changing clothes, I’d be getting a bat body. And a wolf body.

And I guess becoming utility fog a la Transmetropolitan would count as turning into mist. I’ll have that, too.

As they say, sufficiently advanced science is indistinguishable from magic. And scientists are increasingly becoming indistinguishable from wizards. Ask Nikola Tesla. 

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